Book Signing

Note to my BOOB Girl Buddies:

This coming Sunday, August 11^th, from 1-4pm, the BOOB Girls and I will be at The Bookworm, 87^th and Pacific in Countryside Village. If you haven’t been to the Bookworm, you’ve missed a real treat. One of the few independent bookstores left, the girls go there in every book.

I’ll be signing BOOBs V, and we’ll be having their snacks when they watch movies - popcorn with goldfish crackers and M&M’s and cheap champagne. Even if you don’t buy the new book, come get a hug and enjoy a loving, welcoming atmosphere. (as well as the cheap champagne.) Barney our Bernese Mountain Dog will be there for your doggie fix. Until then, enjoy the August Blog, an excerpt from the new book.

From BOOB Girls V: The Secret of the Red Cane

At the start of a good game of monopoly, the girls have just listened to Robbie read Ogden Nash’s  poem, Custard the Dragon, which includes a Pi-rate Climbing in the Window. Here’s the story.

Mary Rose reached over and grabbed Robbie’s arm. “Oh for Heaven’s sake!” she said, and she pointed to the small window next to the door that led outside to the patio. “Look what Wiley and Alphonso have done now!”

They turned and looked. There, trying to open the window was a dark-skinned man dressed in a poncho, cowboy boots and a big Mexican sombrero. He was struggling with the window, trying to force it open. He bent and laid something on the ground, pushed up with all his might and the window slowly groaned and started even more slowly to open.

“Should we tell him the door next to that window is never locked?” Robbie asked.

“Naw,” Marge said.

“Why spoil his fun,” Hadley said.

“It’s good exercise for him,” Mary Rose added.

They watched. The man, of medium height, had a handlebar mustache and little goatee. He was trying to wrestle something off the ground and get one leg through the window at the same time. He finally rolled through the window and knelt down on the dining room floor, picking something up in each hand.

“Wiley and Alphonso have out-done themselves getting us a real pirate,” Mary Rose said. She squinted at the man. “Well, at least a sort-of pirate.”

“I don’t recognize him as one of the guys who live here,” Robbie said, “But with that hat and mustache, it’s hard to tell.” She turned her chair so she could see better. After about two minutes of catching his breath and gathering up whatever he was gathering up, the man stood with some effort and turned toward the four girls at table 12. He jumped. He looked as if he hadn’t known they were there in the empty dining room.

“Nice touch,” Marge said.

“Should we applaud now?” Mary Rose asked.

“I don’t think so,” Marge said. Her voice had a strange edge to it. Then, like Marge, they all really looked at the pirate who had just climbed through their winda.

A massive ammunition belt was draped from one shoulder to his opposite hip. In one hand he held what looked like a grenade, in the other was a pistol, and there was a mean-looking knife he held tight in his teeth. His sombrero had slipped down over his eyes. He pushed it up with the fist that held the grenade.

“Bit overdone,” Hadley said.

“But cute,” Mary Rose nodded.

Robbie leaned forward over the table as if that would give her a closer view. “I still don’t recognize him, and Wiley and Alphonso couldn’t have gotten some actor from the outside in just an hour or two. He has to be a resident.”

Marge still didn’t say anything.

The strange man walked toward them with big, strong steps. He stopped in front of the table.

“Ma cramme diss sloppery im da mame of Bursch!”

Marry Rose smiled. “Honey, we can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now hand me that grenade and take the knife out of your mouth.” She was using her “mother voice.” She held out her hand like a kindergarten teacher would for a student’s gum.

The man stared at her and looked shocked. Instead of handing her the grenade, he lifted the pistol to point at Mary Rose. At the same time, Marge lifted her cane, pressed a jewel and tasered him in the balls.

 He went down, the knife clattering out of his mouth, the grenade rolling under the table and the pistol sliding toward Marge, who calmly and quickly picked it up.

“Marge!” the other three girls yelled at the same time and jumped to their feet.

Robbie’s chair fell over with a bang, Mary Rose knocked the Monopoly bank money onto the board and Hadley’s mug hopped three times as if it were trying to escape. They rushed over to the prone man and looked down at him.

“You tasered our pirate!” Hadley said.

“In his manly parts!” Robbie added.

“He’s dressed so cute, too,” Mary Rose almost whined.

The Mexican pirate stirred and tried to roll over. Marge tasered him again, in the same place.

                                                  Watch for our BOOB Girls Calendar

                                                                 Ready next month.

                                                     You'll be invited to a launch party.