Note
to my BOOB Girl Buddies:
This
coming Sunday, August 11th, from 1-4pm, the BOOB Girls and I will be
at The Bookworm, 87th and Pacific in Countryside Village. If you
haven’t been to the Bookworm, you’ve missed a real treat. One of the few
independent bookstores left, the girls go there in every book.
I’ll
be signing BOOBs V, and we’ll be having their snacks when they watch movies -
popcorn with goldfish crackers and M&M’s and cheap champagne. Even if you
don’t buy the new book, come get a hug and enjoy a loving, welcoming
atmosphere. (as well as the cheap champagne.) Barney our Bernese Mountain Dog
will be there for your doggie fix. Until then, enjoy the August Blog, an
excerpt from the new book.
From
BOOB Girls V: The Secret of the Red Cane
At
the start of a good game of monopoly, the girls have just listened to Robbie
read Ogden Nash’s poem, Custard
the Dragon, which includes a Pi-rate Climbing in the Window. Here’s the
story.
Mary
Rose reached over and grabbed Robbie’s arm. “Oh for Heaven’s sake!” she said,
and she pointed to the small window next to the door that led outside to the
patio. “Look what Wiley and Alphonso have done now!”
They
turned and looked. There, trying to open the window was a dark-skinned man
dressed in a poncho, cowboy boots and a big Mexican sombrero. He was struggling
with the window, trying to force it open. He bent and laid something on the
ground, pushed up with all his might and the window slowly groaned and started
even more slowly to open.
“Should
we tell him the door next to that window is never locked?” Robbie asked.
“Naw,”
Marge said.
“Why
spoil his fun,” Hadley said.
“It’s
good exercise for him,” Mary Rose added.
They
watched. The man, of medium height, had a handlebar mustache and little goatee.
He was trying to wrestle something off the ground and get one leg through the
window at the same time. He finally rolled through the window and knelt down on
the dining room floor, picking something up in each hand.
“Wiley
and Alphonso have out-done themselves getting us a real pirate,” Mary Rose
said. She squinted at the man. “Well, at least a sort-of pirate.”
“I
don’t recognize him as one of the guys who live here,” Robbie said, “But with
that hat and mustache, it’s hard to tell.” She turned her chair so she could
see better. After about two minutes of catching his breath and gathering up
whatever he was gathering up, the man stood with some effort and turned toward
the four girls at table 12. He jumped. He looked as if he hadn’t known they
were there in the empty dining room.
“Nice
touch,” Marge said.
“Should
we applaud now?” Mary Rose asked.
“I
don’t think so,” Marge said. Her voice had a strange edge to it. Then, like
Marge, they all really looked at the pirate who had just climbed through their
winda.
A
massive ammunition belt was draped from one shoulder to his opposite hip. In
one hand he held what looked like a grenade, in the other was a pistol, and
there was a mean-looking knife he held tight in his teeth. His sombrero had
slipped down over his eyes. He pushed it up with the fist that held the
grenade.
“Bit
overdone,” Hadley said.
“But
cute,” Mary Rose nodded.
Robbie
leaned forward over the table as if that would give her a closer view. “I still
don’t recognize him, and Wiley and Alphonso couldn’t have gotten some actor
from the outside in just an hour or two. He has to be a resident.”
Marge
still didn’t say anything.
The
strange man walked toward them with big, strong steps. He stopped in front of the
table.
“Ma
cramme diss sloppery im da mame of Bursch!”
Marry
Rose smiled. “Honey, we can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now hand me that
grenade and take the knife out of your mouth.” She was using her “mother
voice.” She held out her hand like a kindergarten teacher would for a student’s
gum.
The
man stared at her and looked shocked. Instead of handing her the grenade, he
lifted the pistol to point at Mary Rose. At the same time, Marge lifted her
cane, pressed a jewel and tasered him in the balls.
He
went down, the knife clattering out of his mouth, the grenade rolling under the
table and the pistol sliding toward Marge, who calmly and quickly picked it up.
“Marge!”
the other three girls yelled at the same time and jumped to their feet.
Robbie’s
chair fell over with a bang, Mary Rose knocked the Monopoly bank money onto the
board and Hadley’s mug hopped three times as if it were trying to escape. They
rushed over to the prone man and looked down at him.
“You
tasered our pirate!” Hadley said.
“In
his manly parts!” Robbie added.
“He’s
dressed so cute, too,” Mary Rose almost whined.
The
Mexican pirate stirred and tried to roll over. Marge tasered him again, in the
same place.
Watch for our BOOB Girls Calendar
Ready next month.
You'll
be invited to a launch party.
